Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photos: Getty Images
With the Milano Cortina Olympics officially under way, it’s time to spend the next two weeks becoming ridiculously obsessed with a group of elite winter athletes. Oh, but there are so many sports and so many cuties and your boss says it’s “unprofessional” to have Peacock streaming on your second monitor all day? I’ve got you. Here, all the stars, moments, and cafeteria dispatches you should know about from the Winter Olympics.
There was a point last week when it looked like Guarino Sabaté wasn’t going to be allowed to perform his Minions-inspired short program. However, if enough people get upset about something, suddenly a “copyright-clearance issue” can disappear. Thankfully for all of us, Guarino Sabaté took to the ice in his full Minions regalia and had a blast doing it.
Men will really air out your business on the world stage instead of going to therapy! After winning a bronze medal, Norwegian biathlete Sturla Holm Lægreid told the Norwegian Broadcasting Corporation that he cheated on his girlfriend three months ago and came clean just before the Games. “I told her a week ago. And it’s been the worst week of my life,” Lægreid said. The athlete admitted that she dumped him (good for her) and that he hoped “committing social suicide” by coming clean on TV “might show her how much I love her.” I hope he has a backup plan.
Team USA’s first gold medal at the Games came from downhill skier Breezy Johnson. Unfortunately, it broke almost immediately. Following her podium ceremony, Johnson’s medal became disconnected from its ribbon and broke into three pieces. This may be something for the International Olympic Committee to look into — Alysa Liu’s gold medal also broke almost immediately. Hopefully they have hot-glue guns in Italy.
Switzerland’s mixed-doubles curling team is a married couple: Briar Schwaller-Hürlimann and Yannick Schwaller. That is already cute, but they brought their 18-month-old, River, to the Olympics as well. To make matters even cuter, the kid clearly has a knack for his parents’ sport. A not-insignificant chunk of NBC’s curling coverage was focused on River, who already handles the broom like a pro.
Sometimes a winner can come in 64th place! Stevenson Savart, the first cross-country skier to compete for Haiti, took a bow as he crossed the finish line, an acknowledgment of what it meant to represent his birth country on the world stage. Savart was born in Haiti and adopted, growing up in France. “It’s an immense source of pride and great happiness to wear this outfit, and we’re trying to be symbols for our small country and give them hope. Because right now, they are going through a rather dark period, so we’re trying to shine a light on small countries,” Savart told a French outlet before his event. Mission accomplished — and he looked good while doing it.
Ilia Malinin was not supposed to compete in the figure-skating team finals. His plan was to chill and rest up for his own individual competition later in the week. However, when Team USA needed the “Quad God” most, he showed up. The United States and Japan were neck and neck going into the last day of competition, and Malinin got called to compete the night before the final round. To make matters more dramatic, the men’s-singles event was the last of the competition and the U.S. was tied for first with Japan. Thanks to Malinin’s five quad jumps, he pushed the U.S. to gold. It does pay off to be a team player.
Have you ever seen a 40-year-old Austrian man rip off several layers of clothing and yell after winning the men’s parallel giant slalom? Well, now you have. Karl later told reporters that his shirtless moment was an homage to alpine skier Hermann Maier, who celebrated the same way: “He was one of the greatest skiers of all time in Austria, and he once did this. I always wanted to do the same. I lost the chance in Beijing because I was so overwhelmed from emotions, and today I took the chance.”
In Paris in 2024, the star of the dining hall was the chocolate muffin. In Italy, there are several sweet treats vying for the gold. So far, athletes have posted glowing reviews of the tiramisu, the chocolate lava cake, and the giant vat of Nutella that gets dispensed with a pump. In an Olympics first, I think we have a three-way tie.
This post has been updated.
