Photo-Illustration: Marylu Herrera
In this week’s story, a man and his wife go on dates and have sex with other couples: 35, married, New York.
DAY ONE
8:25 a.m. I slept in a bit today. Or at least, what’s considered sleeping in when you have a child. I get the kiddo ready and spend a nice morning with him at the park.
11 a.m. Throw in an apple-cider donut at the farmers’ market for good measure and it’s a perfect fall morning. It’s going to be a long day of parenting, working (even though it’s the weekend), cleaning, and maybe some sex.
2 p.m. Quick phone call with my wife, Kai, about the logistics for tonight. Kai and I have a date with another couple, Mehedi and Amira, who we met on Feeld, and if we hit it off the plan is to head back to our apartment.
4 p.m. I’m frantically cleaning. I joke with Kai that one of the perks of being nonmonogamous is that it periodically forces us to deep clean our apartment for the people we’re trying to fuck.
6:45 p.m. We’ve dropped the kid off with a grandparent and we’re headed out for a quick dinner. The nerves set in over sushi — what will they be like? Will we get along? Did we chat enough on Feeld before meeting up with them?
8:15 p.m. We’re in a swanky heated backyard bar in brownstone Brooklyn. Mehedi and Amira arrive. They’re cute, well-dressed, and look like their pictures. I like them immediately.
8:55 p.m. They’re really cool and have a secure, loving relationship. They’ve been dating since the beginning of college, just like Kai and I. It’s rare to find couples that have been together for so long. I’m biased, obviously, but I think there’s something so special about that.
10 p.m. We get kicked out of the backyard; we’re the only ones left and completely oblivious to the people around us leaving. Mehedi and Amira ask for a moment of privacy to check in with each other. I love that.
They come back a few minutes later and say they’re really into us, so we head back to our rooftop for a drink.
10:45 p.m. The attraction is undeniable. We’re all making out on our roof. After a hit of weed, we head down to the bedroom.
The sex feels like a dream. It’s fun and fluid. We’re in so many different positions. Kai and I take a moment to check in — we’re both having a great time. The sex is a little rougher than we’re used to when first meeting people, but I think that’s because we’re all comfortable with each other. Amira comes hard a few times. She’s so loud. At one point I cover her mouth and she bites me.
12:30 a.m. They help us clean up a little and then head out the door. I’m somehow still horny. Kai blows me for a little bit and then we pass out. I feel so alive.
DAY TWO
10:30 a.m. Picked up our kid from his sleepover with grandma and now the whole family is at the playground. Our kiddo has quickly made a new friend and we’re chatting with the mom. My mind always wanders in these situations. What’s this mom like? What’s her sex life like? Is she like us? Probably not.
1 p.m. As soon as our son goes down for his nap, Kai and I rip each other’s clothes off. At baseline, Kai and I have a fantastic and active sex life. After an experience like last night’s, we’re insatiable.
3:15 p.m. More weekend work. I’m a lawyer with an endless stream of tasks to do. My job mostly entails writing briefs and memos. I often wish my job were more dynamic, that I was the kind of lawyer who went to court everyday. The constant research and writing is draining.
7:45 p.m. The kiddo is in bed. We’re pooped. We have another date on Tuesday with Bobby, someone Kai has been messaging with for a couple of weeks. Then on Friday we’re going to a Halloween party. We’ve heard rumors there will be a sex room there.
8:15 p.m. We’re over at our neighbor Zara’s apartment. She lives directly across the hall from us, so we get to hang out without having to worry about finding a babysitter. It’s a dream scenario. She’s helping me build my lion costume from scratch (well, she’s building it and I’m watching).
She saw us come in with the couple last night and asks what we were up to; she knows all about us. She’s nonmonogamous too. But I still give her the runaround — I’m too tired to fess up. She tells us that she had a wholesome day yesterday, with just the right amount of emphasis on the word wholesome. I knew Amira was too loud! Zara definitely heard us.
DAY THREE
9 a.m. I’m in the office working on an incredibly complicated legal memo today while trying to get ahead on a couple of things for an upcoming court date.
12:45 p.m. I finally have a minute for a breather and text our friends, Abe and Rachel, to tell them about Saturday night. We met them on Feeld in the spring and had a hot hookup. Since then we’ve built a genuine friendship with them.
6 p.m. I’m home from the office. We eat dinner as a family and I play with our son and take him to the bodega for a little treat before bed.
8 p.m. Mondays after a draining weekend are so hard. Kai and I are both exhausted (she also has a stressful job as a nurse administrator). She asks if we want to chat about our date tomorrow. I do — we’ve never had a threesome with a man and I’m nervous about it.
9 p.m. Somehow this leads to a fight. I want to make sure that I don’t feel pressured to hookup on our date tomorrow if I’m not feeling it. She tells me that she doesn’t want that either. But I think in our tired haze, we are somehow agreeing while being disagreeable.
10:30 p.m. We’re folding laundry and both saying the same things over again in a nasty tone. We’re too tired for this. Nonmonogamy is a lot of work. It forces us to communicate, to push ourselves and our relationship. It can be stressful sometimes.
11 p.m. Sex. That fixed us. Off to bed now.
DAY FOUR
9:50 a.m. I’m working from home and Kai’s in the office. I call her to chat about our fight last night. In the clarity of the morning, we realize that we do really both want the same thing tonight — a low-key hangout. We both resolve to be nicer and clearer with each other.
We haven’t always been nonmonogamous. About five years back we started discussing it. I was the instigator. One day, we were supposed to go out with friends for my birthday, but they canceled on us. At the last minute we decided to go to a sex party. It was entirely spontaneous. On the subway ride there, we googled nonmonogamy and came up with a bunch of rules for ourselves. We didn’t end up following those rules. I can still smell the sex room, and picture, with perfect clarity, everything that happened. That night forever altered my brain chemistry.
5:15 p.m. Kai texts me that Bobby is canceling on us; he thinks he has food poisoning. She says she’s gonna cry a little bit. She likes Bobby. I tell her I’m sorry.
9 p.m. We’re snuggling and watching TV. This is the best part of our relationship. We can do nothing and be perfectly content. We fall asleep early. No sex; unusual for us.
DAY FIVE
10 a.m. I spontaneously delete Feeld off my phone. I need a break from chatting with people. I can feel that I’m at the edge of my capacity.
12 p.m. I’m in the office and have a heavy meeting day. I like having more interaction with my co-workers, but I don’t have close friends at work. This job is relatively new for me, and I’m finding it hard to adapt.
5:15 p.m. At a work happy hour. The bar has a Ukrainian beer on the menu — the perfect excuse to text Olena. When Kai was pregnant, we stopped meeting people in person. I changed my Feeld settings to match with people who were looking for virtual-only connections. And that’s how I met Olena, a kinky Ukrainian who started using Feeld about two weeks after Russia invaded Ukraine. We had a pretty intense textuationship that spring. We now text about once a month. A life goal of mine is to meet her in person.
9:15 p.m. Kai and I are laying in bed. We’re spent. We’re horny. We’re not sure we can muster the energy to have sex tonight. But I tell Kai to put on the crown from her Halloween costume (she’s going as a fairy) and I’ll go down on her. She comes hard thinking about me and Bobby tending to her body together.
DAY SIX
9:30 a.m. I’m working from home today. Bobby messages us to reschedule and we make plans for the following Tuesday. He seems to have actually been sick and wants to find a new time. We’ll give it another chance. I’d really love for this to work out for the three of us.
11 a.m. Bobby texts me that Kai is a smokeshow. I agree.
1 p.m. Tomorrow is party day! We’re going with our friends Jon and Emma and I text them to check in. We met them on Feeld four years ago, just after they moved here from Germany and just before Kai got pregnant. We’re around the same age (35). They started dating the same month we did, and we got married within a few months of each other. Our meeting felt kismet. And our hookup was electric.
4 p.m. Kai and I are talking about what could have been with them had we not abruptly cut things off when she got pregnant. But friendship — loving friendship — takes priority over sex. So here we are: Friends who spent one perfect, sexy night together.
6:15 p.m. I have time to cook tonight. It feels so good to watch the kiddo devour my cooking. In my perfect world I would cook a healthy, delicious meal six nights a week. Recently, it’s been more like three nights.
9 p.m. Getting ready for bed thinking about how I cherish nights like this.
DAY SEVEN
7 a.m. Party day! But I wake up with so much anxiety. Kai and I are gonna try molly tonight. We’re not big drug people. And we’re scared of fentanyl. But I try not to let fear get in the way of me trying things. We have test strips, and we trust the people we get it from.
9 a.m. I just have a feeling that something is going to go wrong today.
10:10 a.m. Something has gone wrong. Our child care has fallen though. Our kiddo was supposed to have a sleepover at a friend’s house. But, as things go, their kid got hand foot and mouth disease — that’s a nasty one. We’re scrambling to figure something out.
3 p.m. Just as we were getting really worried, our nanny says she’ll do it. She’s amazing and I’m going to give her a boatload of money because I am so thankful to have access to reliable, high-quality child care.
7 p.m. I still haven’t finished my costume! I go over to Zara’s to put the finishing touches on my giant light up lion head. She has more costuming vision in her pinkie than I have in my entire body.
9 p.m. Jon and Emma are over and we’re putting on makeup. We’re a sexy gaggle of weirdos. I cringe that our nanny is seeing us in our slutty outfits with our slutty friends. I need to get over it.
9:50 p.m. We’re on the roof. Emma suggests that we all set an intention before taking the Molly. I say, “I want to live freely and authentically.” Here goes nothing.
11:15 p.m. This party is amazing. There are six dance floors, a speakeasy with burlesque, and so many other fun things. Kai and I see a little nook with a sign about consent. We go in and it’s just a bunch of people sitting around smoking weed. We’ll be back.
12:15 a.m. Kai and Emma took a little break from partying. Jon and I are dancing like madmen, and the molly has just hit me like a ton of bricks. Holy shit. I need Kai and can’t find her. I’m searching for her alone outside and feeling scared. Finally we find each other and share a big kiss. It’s electric.
We decide to take another look at the play space. It’s a little more sensual now. People are kissing and feeling each other up.
12:45 a.m. Kai and I have never been shy in a play space. My pants are down and she’s giving me head. We’ve got a few spectators from afar. Wow, this feels good.
2 a.m. We find ourselves in a bouncy castle. This is so much more work than I realized. How does our child have this much energy? We pass by a pro domme and I decide to get flogged. I’m kissing her shoe? She hits me hard. Turns out, I’m not into flogging. We go back to the play space. It’s a full-blown gay orgy now. This is new for me. I’ve never seen gay sex live before. This time, I make Kai come.
2:45 a.m. The four of us all have kids, and babysitters to relieve, so we decide to go.
3:15 a.m. In a taxi home. I’m so grateful for my chaotic life. I tell Kai that I love her so much.
Want to submit a sex diary? Email sexdiaries@nymag.com and tell us a little about yourself (and read our submission terms here.)
